The other day, I called the Social Security office to ask one simple question. When could I expect to receive my 1099 form? After several rings, my call was answered by an interactive voice response system (IVR), commonly referred to by us laypeople as a recorded message. As soon as I heard it, I knew that getting a simple answer to a simple question might take a little time. But I had no idea that I would become a casualty of phone system hell. This is my record of the call.
IVR: Your wait period is approximately 50 minutes.
Me: FIFTY MINUTES! I shouted in my mind. Are you kidding me? Thinking that perhaps I had misheard – surely the robot said 15 minutes, not 50 – I decided to wait. I looked at the clock. It was 8:55 a.m.
Holding the phone with my left hand, I leaned back in my chair, grabbed the TV remote with the free hand and began channel surfing.
After a few minutes, I started paying closer attention to the messages.
9:09 – IVR: Thank you for holding. We appreciate your patience. We are assisting other people and will help you as soon as we can.
When my clock displayed 9:10, I put the phone on speaker, set it on my desk, began filing my nails and reminiscing about the days when customer service meant person-to-person, not person-to-machine. Usually, after the second ring, the third at most, a real person would answer the phone, especially in government offices. You remember those days, don’t you?
It’s frustrating enough to be put on hold for an extended period, but when an IVR holds you hostage, you feel helpless. You don’t dare hang up and call back because you will just have to repeat the process.
It used to be that a caller could press zero to bypass the gibberish and be immediately connected to a live person. But businesses got wise to that and eliminated the feature, leaving callers no choice but to hold, and wait, and hold, and wait.
Some companies will place callers in a phone queue, sort of a virtual waiting room, offering them the option of remaining on the phone while they wait for an answer or receiving a callback. The Social Security system did not give me that option. And so I waited.
In the interim, I entertained myself by playing Words with Friends. I checked my Facebook page. I even perused my emails. Finally, I began recording the messages that rotated every 60 seconds.
9:15 – IVR: Thank you for holding. We appreciate your patience. We are assisting other people and will help you as soon as we possibly can.
ME: We’ll see. Holding the phone with one hand, I impatiently began tapping my fingers on the desk with the other.
9:16 – IVR: We apologize for this delay if you are calling for general information. If you are applying for retirement, disability or spousal benefits, you may want to visit us at www.social security.gov.
ME: Idiots! If you answer the phone, I would tell you that I cannot log on to the www.stupidsite. If I could do you think I’d be wasting my time calling you?
9:17 – IVR: We regret that you have waited so long.
ME: The hell you do.
IVR: We are doing our best to answer your call. Social Security provides benefits to more than 50 million. We are taking calls in the order in which they came.
ME: You said that already. Uh huh. Sure. I was determined to out-wait them.
9:18 – IVR: Thank you for holding.
ME: Oh, good. They’re finally going to answer.
IVR: We appreciate your patience.
ME: What!
IVR: We are assisting other people and will help you as soon as we possibly can.
ME: You’ve got to be kidding me.
9:19 – IVR: At the conclusion of your call we would like you to participate in a short survey and tell us about your experience.
ME: Oh, yes. Don’t I want to do that!
IVR: If you would like to participate in the survey, please stay on the line after the agent hangs up.
For the first time following the previous messages, I hear four fast beeps. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. That’s different, I think. Surely, a sign that someone is about to answer my call. I wait anxiously while watching the numbers on my digital clock flip over.
9:20 – IVR: Thank you for waiting. Someone will assist you shortly. Please have handy your Social Security number and any recent mail we have sent you. Having this information will help us to serve you better.
ME: Here we go. Finally!
9:21 – IVR: We apologize for this delay if you are calling for general information. If you are applying for retirement, disability or spousal benefits, you may want to visit us at www.socialsecurity.gov.
ME: Are you kidding me?
9:22 – IVR: We regret that you have waited so long. We are doing our best to answer your call. Social Security provides benefits to 50 million. We are taking calls in the order in which they came.
ME: Sitting in stunned silence and disbelief that I’ve been holding on the line for nearly 30 minutes. A first. And – a last.
9:23 – IVR: Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. (Then, there is a pause.)
ME: What’s with the beeps? No message following? I know someone is going to pick-up now. I’m preparing to stand up and do a happy dance. When I hear…
IVR: Thank you for holding. We appreciate your patience. We are assisting other people and will help you as soon as we can.
ME: Wearing a zombie-like expression.
9:24 – IVR: At the conclusion of your call we would like you to participate in a short survey and tell us about your experience. If you would like to participate in the survey, please stay on the line after the agent hangs up.
ME: Oooh, Buddy. You DO NOT want me to take the survey. Not now.
9:25 – IVR: Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Thank you for waiting. Someone will assist you shortly. Please have handy your Social Security number and any recent mail we may have sent you. Having this information will help us to serve you better.
ME: Now talking to the IVR. How many times are you all going to replay these */%# messages? As much as I hate on-hold music, I’ll opt for that now.
9:26 – IVR: Thank you for holding. We appreciate your patience. We are assisting other people and will help you as soon as we can.
Those same messages recycled repeatedly until at 9:55, just as I was about to hang up, a real live human came on the line.
Human: May I help you?
Me: I took a deep breath and did not fly off the handle because I knew he might be expecting that and I didn’t want him to hang up on me. So, I said calmly said through gritted teeth, “I’m calling to inquire about my 1099 form.”
I had barely finished the sentence before Human in a robotic tone said, “The 1099 forms are being mailed from headquarters throughout the month of January. You should receive your 1099 before the end of the month. Is there anything else I can help with?”
Thank you. No. Click!
Had I not recorded the times and IVR messages, I would not have believed that I had held the phone for an hour for a conversation that lasted about 45 seconds. My first and last time doing a phone marathon.
At least the SS IVR does not add insult to the injury of phone hang-over customers by including “Your call is important to us.”
And no, I did not take the survey.