Posts Written By L Parker Brown

Judging the Book: Two Tales

Although numerous people aim to make Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s dream of a colorblind society a reality, antagonists ensure that the struggle for equality continues. And every day, accidental encounters between perfect strangers from different racial groups either leads them to ignore apprehension and prejudgments or it reinforces stereotypes.

Several weeks ago my son, a former Gulf War trooper, was seated at a table in a Panera Bread café. He was wearing his baseball style black cap with the words “Desert Storm Veteran” embroidered in gold, raised lettering on the front panel. Although his attention was focused on his laptop screen, he was mindful as he always is, of what was going on around him.

From the corner of his eye, he saw an elderly white couple strolling in his direction. The petite woman, dwarfed by her platinum colored beehive hairdo, was walking, hand-in-hand alongside a frail man. He was slightly taller than she and his shoulders were stooped by time. On his head, he wore a World War II Vet cap.

As soon as the strangers approached his table and stood by his side, my son immediately turned around to face them. Like most black people, he is well aware of the problematic political climate in this society, but he is not presumptuous. And beneath his outwardly calm demeanor, he sometimes entertains a wry sense of humor. I imagine that he was thinking, “What’s the problem now, sitting while black?”

When the two men made eye contact, the WWII soldier extended his open hand toward my son and said, “Thank you for your service.”

He had noticed my son’s cap and saw a comrade-in-arms. He told my son that he is 92 years old. My son is slightly more than half his age. The two vets clasped hands in a firm shake, and reciprocally, my son thanked the senior vet for his service.

While the two men enjoyed a brief but engaging conversation, the older man’s wife stood patiently by his side. The men chatted about their respective wars, how things have changed for veterans since the Second World War and even touched upon other service-related matters including benefits that are now available to eligible veterans that were non-existent when the WW II soldier was discharged. Although their conversation lasted only about 15 minutes, my son later told me that it was a strange, but pleasant encounter.

Overall, black people (particularly black men) have become so accustomed to being in the crosshairs of negativity until a positive experience sometimes catches them off guard. A white stranger approaching – God forbid it is a police officer – will cause some to brace for a verbal or physical attack. Like it or not, that’s just the way it is when you are black in America. And that’s why a pleasant occurrence like the one described above is worth sharing.

But then there is the other side of the story.

The dialog below was posted on Facebook allegedly by the black man who experienced it (not my son). Some of you may have seen it. It describes an incident that allegedly happened when a black man who was preparing to catch a flight stepped in the boarding line for first-class ticket holders. The white woman who came up behind him immediately assumed that the man was in the wrong line. Here is their exchange:

Her:  Excuse me I believe you may be in the wrong place. You need to let us through. This line is for priority boarding

Him: Priority meaning first-class correct?

Her:  Yes. Now excuse me. They will call y’all after we board.

Him:  [Putting his first-class priority boarding pass in her face.] You can relax ma’am I’m in the right spot, been here longer, so you can board after me.

Her:  [Still not letting it go and talking aloud to no one in particular.] He must be military or something, but we paid for our seats so he still should have to wait.

Him:  Nope. Not military. I’m just a n***a with money.

Word is that some people waiting in line applauded him.

Of course, I wasn’t there, and I can’t vouch for the validity of this story, but I believe that it could have happened. You think not? Read the book.

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Signing the Christmas Cards When Unwedded

Black senior coupleOh, come all ye saints and sinners – weigh-in on this. Since the 12 days of Christmas are a mere four weeks away, I’ll get straight to the point. I wrestled with this issue last year, and the year before that; in fact for the last 16 years. It’s time to put this baby to bed, and it isn’t a nativity scene.

The question is how to sign the Christmas cards when you are an unmarried couple.

If the friends and relatives to whom you send Christmas cards do not personally know your significant cohabitating other, should you include the SO’s name on the cards when you sign them, or just write your name and pretend that your boo doesn’t exist? Or do you write both names on all cards and let the recipients who don’t know him (or of him) ask themselves silly rhetorical questions like, “When did she remarry?” or “Did I miss something?”  (Note – if sending a Christmas card to a former wanted-to-be boyfriend who won’t give up, include your SO’s name, for sure.)

In previous years, my practice has been as follows. If I am sending a card to someone who knows us both, then I will include both names on the card. But cards sent to people who only know me (for instance, former co-worker friends or acquaintances) will usually just have my signature. If I’m sending a card, for him, to one of his friends or relatives and they don’t know me, then his signature will be the only one on the card. Make sense?

I realize that the way an unmarried couple chooses to sign a card (for Christmas, birthdays, condolence, or any other occasion) is a personal decision, usually made by the person writing the cards. Still, I’ve been curious for a long time to know if there is a protocol on this matter. Miss Manners is there such a thing as card signature etiquette?

This year, before I begin sending Christmas cards, I decided to do some research. I discovered that through the decades, mainly since the sixties, other unmarried couples have also pondered the question of how should the name (or names) be signed beneath the message inside the card. There is also another issue. How should the envelope be addressed to a couple living out of wedlock?

Here is what I’ve learned:

The simple rule of thumb is to write the couple’s names alphabetically on separate lines and join their names with “and,” such as

Mr. Ahmal Jackson and
Ms. Shenika Jones
123 Shacking Up Lane
Sin City, Anyplace  00666

On the other hand, I would propose that the order of the names be determined by which person you know best. If you are a close friend or relative to Shenika, then you would address the envelope showing her name first and vice versa for Ahmal.

Ms. Shenika Jones and
Mr. Ahmal Jackson
123 Shacking Up Lane
Sin City, Anyplace 00666

If my mother were alive, I know how she would answer the question of how to sign the card. She’d say, “The couple should get married.”

Then, the couple would reply “Been there. Done that. Thank you, Ma’am.”

The query about how to sign the card is not a prompt for saints to offer a biblical lesson about living in sin; nor is it a signal for a Shakespearean rephrase about marriage:  To do or not to do. That is not the question. The question is how to sign the darn card.

My research subsequently produced the answer to my question. And at the risk of sounding sacrilegious, I’ll say that it also brings to mind one of my favorite quotes, “I’d rather be known in life as an honest sinner than a lying hypocrite.”

Sleep baby.

 

 

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Oh, What A Tangled Head We Weave

Comfort Zone2This article is not for seasoned weave wearers. You already know what is involved from the time that weave is sewn into your hair, then removed and another sewn in for as long as you choose to wear it. This is for others like me who are newbies to the process and more comfortable with our own mane.

I can speak to this issue now because I recently got a weave or let’s say a partial one, I’ll explain that later. But before I do I’ll share my experience with you.

It took the strength of Hercules for me to surrender my nonconformist mindset, abandon my short fro which I had worn for nearly 30 years and switch to a contemporary hairstyle. When it comes to trends, I am a traditionalist. But occasionally, I will step outside my comfort zone and try something different.

Curiosity and the desire to try a new hairstyle led me to get my first and probably last weave. I call it a partial weave because I chose a female Mohawk style with twisted braids in the back and wavy curls stitched to my natural hair on top with appropriately placed bobby pins. It took me a day or two to get used to the new look, but I began to like it. Several of my relatives, friends, and neighbors told me that they liked it too. But there was one drawback to my new look. I’ll get to that.

Believe me when I tell you that I dislike fake. Fake nails. Fake lashes. Fake boobs and fake hair. Wigs, I know, are fake hair too, but I exclude them from my list of peeves because some people wear them more out of necessity than for vanity. And I admit, occasionally, when I want to change my appearance, I will wear a short wig.

Honestly, I have no problem with anyone who wants to go full-scale with fakery. Numerous celebrities wear weaves or extensions. Aside from the obvious like Oprah and Diana Ross, there is Tyra Banks, Rihanna, Beyonce, Nia Long, even Kim Kardashian. To see several more celebs who follow the trend, click this link and check out Styleblazer.

My intention is not to belittle weave wearers. I point out some things nearly to cite examples as I share my experience with you. If other folks want to wear weaves, let them weave on and God help them all should some unholy event put the hair industry out of business.

As for myself, I think that the next time I have the desire to temporarily change my look, I’ll just rely on my standby. Pull on a wig. No muss, no fuss, no fake hair sewed into my own, which took nearly 90 minutes for me to remove. But I am getting ahead of the story.

You are probably wondering. Since most weaves cost more than $100, why would I pay the equivalent of a steakhouse dinner including two desserts for a hairdo designed to last for several weeks and then remove it in 17 days? Because I liked the style when I got it and I would have kept it a while longer, except for one difficulty. The darn thing made my scalp itch — constantly.

At first, there was no problem, but after about the 3rd day the itching began. Around the temples, in the back of my head at the neckline (what we black folk often refer to as the kitchen) and finally, I was scratching and poking my head all over trying to relieve the itch. It was worse at night.

The itching was incessant. I tried everything from applying moisturizer to my scalp to frequent massages at points where I could poke my fingertips through the fake hair. Sometimes it got so bad that I went from gently patting my head to slapping it like I was swatting flies. One time, I nearly gave myself a concussion.

Scratching a weaved head is nearly impossible because the hair is so tightly entwined with your natural hair until it is hard to put a finger on the point of the itch. As much as I tried, I was unable to massage the top of my head with both hands simultaneously, but I could and did rub vigorously between each row of braids.

It didn’t matter if I stood in the shower and let cool water run over my head or if throughout the day I applied recommended scalp cleansers and conditioners to the scalp. The itch was a * * * * *.  Nevermind that. Sometimes I got relief by applying a thin layer of Benadryl along the hairline. The itching occurred periodically throughout the day, but night times were agony.

During the three weeks that I had the weave, I felt like my head was suffocating. I began to wonder if I was allergic to fake hair. One night I lay in bed miserable and thinking I am hostage to my hair. I wanted to take back my freedom.

The next day, I carefully and sometimes fervently cut out the weave from the top of my head. Clipping the threads sewn into my natural hair was a challenge because although my real hair is short, I didn’t want to end up with bald patches.

I liked the cornrows in the back and wanted to keep those, but the ends of the cornrows leading up to the crown were intertwined with the wavy curls on top. There was no way to keep the back intact after detaching the weave. I decided that everything had to go like a bargain basement clearance sale.

Afterward, I thoroughly washed my hair thrice (I know, I got carried away washing) and while doing so,  gave my head the best massage it has had in a long time. Suddenly, my scalp could breathe again.

I’ve done some research and learned that it is not uncommon for a weave to cause an itchy scalp. Although my scalp was not suffocating as I sometimes felt that it was, I learned, as I suspected, that lack of moisture and fresh air can cause an itchy scalp. Also, what I already knew was that improperly caring for the hair and scalp beneath a weave could cause mold or mildew to develop, and if left in too long the hair could become matted pulling off when the weave is removed. There is an excellent article on VIBE that gives additional insight on this subject.

Do I see another weave in my future? I’ve learned never to say never. But as for now, I’m back to me, and I’m feeling free.

 

 

 

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An Unforgettable Night at the Family Reunion

Until this past weekend, I had not attended a family reunion on my daddy’s side in 20 years. My twin grandsons were 18 months old then. I still remember their great Uncle Henry cheerfully pushing the double trouble around the room in their stroller while joking that, “These are my boys.” Some family members played along, “Sure they are.” Although he never had children of his own, Uncle Henry doted on his nieces and nephews, and we loved him dearly.

Parker Family Reunion 1994. I'm standing at the mic beside my Uncle Alton.
Parker Family Reunion 1994. I’m standing at the mic beside my Uncle Alton.

 

Virginia Beach was the ideal venue chosen for the 60th Parker Family Reunion which took place last weekend. God and Mother Nature must have conspired to make it a wonderful and memorable weekend for us. Balconies in our beachfront hotel rooms presented a picturesque waterfront view of the coastline and daytime temperatures, in the mid-70s, made me feel guilty about complaining about the humidity. Who would have thought that near the end of October people would be walking barefoot in the sand or splashing in the cool water as if it were mid-July? I even spotted someone kitesurfing on Saturday morning.

The banquet that evening was delightful, and although I was unable to stay for the duration, the time while I was there was heartwarming. Everyone appeared to be enjoying themselves. At one point, I realized that I was humming the O’Jays song Family Reunion. That song is a classic, and it should be the official family reunion anthem.

Always the sentimentalist, my joy was briefly diminished when my mind stopped playing the anthem and switched on a mental slideshow. Flashing on the screen were faces of some of my uncles, aunts, and other deceased family members including my dad and mom and cousin, Vincent, who left us a few short months ago. I wished they all could have been there. Perhaps in spirit, they were. As life will have it, at future reunions, someone probably will be thinking the same thing about those of us who were present this time.

Unlike a tear-jerking funeral or an invitation-only wedding, the family reunion is open to all family members, and some bring friends. Barring any longstanding resentments or feuds that turn into drunken brawls (to my knowledge that has never happened at any of our reunions), the reunion is often a joyful event where everyone shares old stories and creates memories for new ones.

Speaking of sharing stories, let me tell you what made my first night during reunion weekend unforgettable. Until now, no one except my son knows about it.

My life tends to follow a norm; a trip for me would not be a trip without some drama, or as my son might call what happened on Friday night — comic relief.

After a nearly 7 hour ride from DC to Virginia Beach – extended by two planned stops and a number of nerve-wracking traffic jams – my son and I arrived at the hotel around 7:30 p.m. We placed our luggage in the room, and stopped briefly in the Hospitality Suite before going back out to get some dinner. We arrived back at the Hospitality Suite around 9. After about an hour chatting and laughing about old times, fatigue from a long day caught up with me, so I excused myself and retired to my room.

I changed into my pj’s, and before going to bed closed the drapes. That made the room nearly pitch black except for the small green light on the smoke detector and the pumpkin orange numbers laminating the digital clock on the bedside table. My son who was sharing the room came in around 11:30, after hanging out with his uncle, and went to his bed on the side of the room near the balcony. Within minutes he was sound asleep and snoring like a gas weedwacker passing and revving.

As much as I wanted sleep, sleep didn’t want me. I tossed and turned and turned and tossed as the night wore on. At one point, I was lying flat on my back staring at the dark ceiling. I tried to avoid looking at the clock because I didn’t want to know how late – or how early in the morning it was. When I finally did a side-eye peek, it was 2:15 a.m. My intuition told me to get up and check the door to make sure that the swing lock was on. It wasn’t. I swung the metal arm over the peg onto the door-face securing it.

I’ve always had trouble falling asleep in a strange place and Friday night was no exception. If I dozed at all, I might have catnapped for about 30 seconds, but I don’t think so. I even ran out of sheep.

I was suddenly startled by the sound of the door bumping loudly against the swing lock. Someone was trying to enter the room. On the wall in front of my bed, near the corner, I could see a ribbon of pale light extending floor to ceiling. I determined that it was the hallway light showing through the crack in the door.

“WHO IS THERE?”  I yelled so loudly that my son sat straight up in his bed as I was scurrying to the foot of mine like a Trump supporter running full-speed away from a Black Lives Matter rally.

“What happened?” My son asked excitedly. “What’s wrong?”

“Someone opened the door,” I said while rushing to the door that was now closed. I turned the double lock and then switched on the bathroom light. As I was returning to bed, my son, apparently in a groggy state of disbelief walked to the foot of his bed, looked toward the door and then looked at me.

“No one opened that door,” he said and added, “You were probably dreaming.” Then he returned to his bed and in no time was wacking weeds again. I, on the other hand, was more awake than before.

Some other person’s curiosity would have led them to open the door to see if someone was running down the hallway away from the room, but my mama didn’t raise any fools. As long as whoever it was was on the other side of the door and I was in the room, no problem. We were good.

“I wasn’t dreaming,” I whispered. While still waiting for the sandwoman to come and sprinkle anything that would put me to sleep, I began to wonder. Had I dozed off and dreamed that someone opened the door? I was sure that I heard the sound of the door bang against the metal lock. Whoever it was turned the door handle and probably thinking that the swing lock was unsecured pushed too hard against the door causing the loud noise that rattled me.

I was still awake 20 minutes after that. Since I had not brought my Kindle to read and grew tired of scrolling FB on my iPhone, I got up, went and sat on the side of the bathtub and began writing this blog post which I finished a few days later.

Before I realized it, it was 3:51 a.m. I knew I needed to get some sleep if I was to join my sister and cousin, Pat, to walk the boardwalk at 8:30 in the morning as we’d planned. So, I returned to bed thinking and began praying that I’d get to Snoozeville before dawn.

I must have had a Jesus intervention because the last time I remember glancing at the clock, it was 4 a.m. The next time was when I awakened around 7. I said good morning to my son who was standing at the balcony door looking outside.

“You should come over and see the beautiful sunrise.” He said. He made no mention of the door incident until later in the morning when he insisted that I dreamed about the door being opened and then walked in my sleep to the foot of the bed. I, on the other hand, know that it was not a dream and I don’t sleepwalk.

That’s my unforgettable memory of reunion weekend, and I’m sticking to it.

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About Your Opinion

what's your opinion retro speech balloonListen up, opinionated people. Don’t be afraid to voice your opinion. Some people hesitate to do that because they worry about what others may think or say about what they said. An opinion is just that – an opinion. And just like everybody has a brain, everyone has an opinion.

People often form opinions and judgments based on a variety of factors including personal life experiences. Sometimes just a gut feeling will persuade us to think one way or another. For instance, some people have the opinion that 45 is the great white hope. Others opine, based on what we’ve seen and heard, is that he is the devil’s disciple.

If you have an opinion and want to express it, then do it. Don’t feel intimidated by what “they” might say or think. People are going to say what they want to say about you whether you express your opinion or play deaf and dumb. Take that last sentence, for instance. The opinion of some people is that the phrase “deaf and dumb” should not be used because it could be considered offensive. Context people! Keep things in context, and you might avoid misconstruing what someone says. (Veering off-subject for a moment, I have to say that I agree with journalist Katy Tur whose opinion is that “This PC culture has run amok.)

If others have a difference of opinion about what you say, that’s okay. That’s their prerogative. Just like the adage “One man’s junk is another man’s treasure,” I say that “One person’s opinion may be another person’s nonsense, but it is still that person’s opinion.” You have a choice to consider an opinion that might differ from your own, or you can disregard it. Plain and simple.

If you are an opinionated person and other people are uncomfortable because you refuse to keep your opinion to yourself, that’s their problem. Don’t make it yours. Remember, you have as much right to your opinion as they do to theirs. If they think you are a loud-mouth because you make your thoughts known; you might think that they are wimps because they refuse to say what they are champing at the bit to say.

A strong opinion about something doesn’t always have to be made public. Sometimes a wise person will avoid expressing his or her opinion in order not to hurt someone’s feelings or be offensive. And because you may have a strong opinion it doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind.

Years ago, I was an ardent proponent of the death penalty and didn’t mind discussing my position. My cousin, David, a vocal opponent, will tell you that he and I had great debates on that subject. All of the arguments against it did not change my mind. But in time, after considering numerous circumstances and studying the subject, I changed my opinion on capital punishment.

Be opinionated if you want to and be vocal. Opinions are not gospel and sometimes they are not fact-based. Nevertheless, it is wise to be adequately informed about what you speak instead of shooting blanks from the brain and out the mouth. And to buttress your position, keep in mind the words of Arnold H. Glasow, “The fewer the facts the stronger the opinion.”

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