My two-cents worth and then some. An online journal by LP Brown.

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An Unforgettable Night at the Family Reunion

by on ·Family, Lifestyle and Culture

Until this past weekend, I had not attended a family reunion on my daddy’s side in 20 years. My twin grandsons were 18 months old then. I still remember their great Uncle Henry cheerfully pushing the double trouble around the room in their stroller while joking that, “These are my boys.” Some family members played along, “Sure they are.” Although he never had children of his own, Uncle Henry doted on his nieces and nephews, and we loved him dearly.

Parker Family Reunion 1994. I'm standing at the mic beside my Uncle Alton.
Parker Family Reunion 1994. I’m standing at the mic beside my Uncle Alton.

 

Virginia Beach was the ideal venue chosen for the 60th Parker Family Reunion which took place last weekend. God and Mother Nature must have conspired to make it a wonderful and memorable weekend for us. Balconies in our beachfront hotel rooms presented a picturesque waterfront view of the coastline and daytime temperatures, in the mid-70s, made me feel guilty about complaining about the humidity. Who would have thought that near the end of October people would be walking barefoot in the sand or splashing in the cool water as if it were mid-July? I even spotted someone kitesurfing on Saturday morning.

The banquet that evening was delightful, and although I was unable to stay for the duration, the time while I was there was heartwarming. Everyone appeared to be enjoying themselves. At one point, I realized that I was humming the O’Jays song Family Reunion. That song is a classic, and it should be the official family reunion anthem.

Always the sentimentalist, my joy was briefly diminished when my mind stopped playing the anthem and switched on a mental slideshow. Flashing on the screen were faces of some of my uncles, aunts, and other deceased family members including my dad and mom and cousin, Vincent, who left us a few short months ago. I wished they all could have been there. Perhaps in spirit, they were. As life will have it, at future reunions, someone probably will be thinking the same thing about those of us who were present this time.

Unlike a tear-jerking funeral or an invitation-only wedding, the family reunion is open to all family members, and some bring friends. Barring any longstanding resentments or feuds that turn into drunken brawls (to my knowledge that has never happened at any of our reunions), the reunion is often a joyful event where everyone shares old stories and creates memories for new ones.

Speaking of sharing stories, let me tell you what made my first night during reunion weekend unforgettable. Until now, no one except my son knows about it.

My life tends to follow a norm; a trip for me would not be a trip without some drama, or as my son might call what happened on Friday night — comic relief.

After a nearly 7 hour ride from DC to Virginia Beach – extended by two planned stops and a number of nerve-wracking traffic jams – my son and I arrived at the hotel around 7:30 p.m. We placed our luggage in the room, and stopped briefly in the Hospitality Suite before going back out to get some dinner. We arrived back at the Hospitality Suite around 9. After about an hour chatting and laughing about old times, fatigue from a long day caught up with me, so I excused myself and retired to my room.

I changed into my pj’s, and before going to bed closed the drapes. That made the room nearly pitch black except for the small green light on the smoke detector and the pumpkin orange numbers laminating the digital clock on the bedside table. My son who was sharing the room came in around 11:30, after hanging out with his uncle, and went to his bed on the side of the room near the balcony. Within minutes he was sound asleep and snoring like a gas weedwacker passing and revving.

As much as I wanted sleep, sleep didn’t want me. I tossed and turned and turned and tossed as the night wore on. At one point, I was lying flat on my back staring at the dark ceiling. I tried to avoid looking at the clock because I didn’t want to know how late – or how early in the morning it was. When I finally did a side-eye peek, it was 2:15 a.m. My intuition told me to get up and check the door to make sure that the swing lock was on. It wasn’t. I swung the metal arm over the peg onto the door-face securing it.

I’ve always had trouble falling asleep in a strange place and Friday night was no exception. If I dozed at all, I might have catnapped for about 30 seconds, but I don’t think so. I even ran out of sheep.

I was suddenly startled by the sound of the door bumping loudly against the swing lock. Someone was trying to enter the room. On the wall in front of my bed, near the corner, I could see a ribbon of pale light extending floor to ceiling. I determined that it was the hallway light showing through the crack in the door.

“WHO IS THERE?”  I yelled so loudly that my son sat straight up in his bed as I was scurrying to the foot of mine like a Trump supporter running full-speed away from a Black Lives Matter rally.

“What happened?” My son asked excitedly. “What’s wrong?”

“Someone opened the door,” I said while rushing to the door that was now closed. I turned the double lock and then switched on the bathroom light. As I was returning to bed, my son, apparently in a groggy state of disbelief walked to the foot of his bed, looked toward the door and then looked at me.

“No one opened that door,” he said and added, “You were probably dreaming.” Then he returned to his bed and in no time was wacking weeds again. I, on the other hand, was more awake than before.

Some other person’s curiosity would have led them to open the door to see if someone was running down the hallway away from the room, but my mama didn’t raise any fools. As long as whoever it was was on the other side of the door and I was in the room, no problem. We were good.

“I wasn’t dreaming,” I whispered. While still waiting for the sandwoman to come and sprinkle anything that would put me to sleep, I began to wonder. Had I dozed off and dreamed that someone opened the door? I was sure that I heard the sound of the door bang against the metal lock. Whoever it was turned the door handle and probably thinking that the swing lock was unsecured pushed too hard against the door causing the loud noise that rattled me.

I was still awake 20 minutes after that. Since I had not brought my Kindle to read and grew tired of scrolling FB on my iPhone, I got up, went and sat on the side of the bathtub and began writing this blog post which I finished a few days later.

Before I realized it, it was 3:51 a.m. I knew I needed to get some sleep if I was to join my sister and cousin, Pat, to walk the boardwalk at 8:30 in the morning as we’d planned. So, I returned to bed thinking and began praying that I’d get to Snoozeville before dawn.

I must have had a Jesus intervention because the last time I remember glancing at the clock, it was 4 a.m. The next time was when I awakened around 7. I said good morning to my son who was standing at the balcony door looking outside.

“You should come over and see the beautiful sunrise.” He said. He made no mention of the door incident until later in the morning when he insisted that I dreamed about the door being opened and then walked in my sleep to the foot of the bed. I, on the other hand, know that it was not a dream and I don’t sleepwalk.

That’s my unforgettable memory of reunion weekend, and I’m sticking to it.

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Family Reunion Planner: When You are IT

by on ·Family, Lifestyle and Culture

“Consider the efforts of the planner.” That is a sincere request from my cousin, Velda Parker. Velda has been a planner and assistant planner for the Parker Family Reunion for years, and she wants every family member to heed those words each year when reunion time rolls around.

Family members usually look forward to the reunion as an opportunity to socialize with close kin and reconnect with distant relatives, but few have any idea how much work goes into pulling the event together. Nor do they understand the angst the planner experiences when she must constantly appeal to those planning to attend the function to send in their contribution before the deadline. Family reunions like most other worthwhile activities incur expenses and for the planner having the required funds and meeting deadlines is essential.

Anyone who has had the responsibility for organizing a family reunion or has simply lent a helping hand knows that it can be a headache. Like, Velda, I’ve worn both hats, and our hands-on experiences have given us an education for which some folks are willing to pay.

Family reunion planning is big business. So much so that numerous convention and visitors bureaus across the country hold annual family reunion planning seminars and workshops.

Orchestrating a family reunion isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be as daunting a task as some might think it is. Even a first-time planner, with organizational skills and (ideally) someone to share the load, can produce a function so enjoyable that your family will talk about it for years.

Here are some pointers for producing a memorable reunion.

  1. Don’t try to do it all by yourself, ask for help. Unless you choose to assume the responsibility of managing all aspects of the reunion, it is a good idea to form a committee (or committees) to assume some of the following tasks: locating a venue and negotiating accommodations; collecting contributions and maintaining a budget; assuming responsibility for meals, music, and entertainment at the banquet; making name tags, tee shirts, and shopping for raffle prizes and gift bag items. Another committee could be responsible for organizing entertainment, games or other activities.

Heads Up:  Forming committees is easier said than done. Usually, folks are eager to participate in the fun and activities at the reunion, but rarely volunteer to work toward making the event happen. So, don’t be surprised if you cannot get committee volunteers. Carry on.

  1. Decide on a reasonable amount to charge each participant. Ideally, the combined contributions of all family members will cover the down payment and other hotel costs. It will pay for postage stamps (to send information to those without email). Expenses for a DJ or other musical accommodations, including a podium, a microphone, and decorations in the banquet room, if desired, will all come from the combined fees paid by family members. Their contribution will also cover the cost of prizes, souvenirs, raffle tickets, and other unplanned incidentals.

Heads Up:  Be reasonable, but fair. People who live in proximity to the town or city where the reunion is held may bear less expense than those who must travel from distant cities. Some folks who will incur travel costs may balk at being asked to donate more than the cost of a jumbo pizza with a side order of buffalo wings, but you don’t want to have to spend a lot of your own money to cover additional expenses for the reunion. I don’t know a single reunion organizer, including Velda and myself, who has not had to spend a considerable amount of our own money to ensure a successful reunion. So unless you have Mark Zuckerberg deep pockets request a practical contribution (set fee) from family members. Folks who want to attend the event will find a way.

Send out the announcement letter at least a year in advance; this gives people time to set-aside funds for the reunion. Years ago, I used snail-mail to inform family members about the planned reunion. Today I would send out a contact group email and snail-mail only those who are unreachable online. When I snail-mailed the announcement, I enclosed in the envelope a preprinted postcard. The card gave information about the place where the planned reunion would be held and offered a choice of two-weekend dates for the event. Recipients were asked to indicate a first and second choice and then return the postcard to me by the deadline indicated on the card. Easy enough to drop the completed postcard in the mail. You’d think. Although most people returned the card promptly, some left me hanging for weeks or responded only after a second notice. After I received most of the cards, I planned the reunion for the date favored by the majority.

  1. Selecting a hotel. When scouting for a hotel, it is a good idea to check-out different ones in the area and determine who will give you the best group rate. Be sure to ask whether they offer a free breakfast; free parking accommodations; a hospitality suite; Wi-Fi; do they have a gym; and what other amenities are available. Much of that information is also (usually) available online.

If you can, set up a site visit to inspect the hotel, do so. Sometimes this isn’t practical especially if you live in a different city. So you will likely be making all negotiations and arrangements over the phone.

Once you make a decision, you’ll sign a contract finalizing the booking. Read the contract closely before signing it. Determine how many rooms you think you’ll need, but don’t block an excessive number of rooms, because you may be penalized with a hefty fee if a number of the rooms go unbooked by the deadline.

If you fill a certain number of rooms, some hotels will offer a complimentary room (that you can use a Hospitality Suite) at no additional cost. A Hospitality Suite is a private room that is used as a hangout space for the attendees of your family reunion. At our reunion in Burlington, I asked that a card table is set up in the Hospitality Suite and we used that table to play card games (like a favorite – bid whist). We even held a bid whisk tournament which, for the record, was won by my brother, Chico, and Uncle James.

  1. Plan accordingly for activities. Try to include something for all age groups. Consider that there will be seniors as well as youngsters attending the event. At one reunion, we played volleyball in the park on the Saturday early afternoon before the banquet.
  1. Try to avoid having the banquet dinner late in the evening. Many people may not want to be sitting down for dinner at 7 or 8 p.m. The hours between 4- 6 would allow folks time to enjoy the meal and any entertainment (like a talent show) and then, those who don’t want to dance the rest of the night away can return to their room.

And a few last tips:

As a courtesy, you may want to create a “Things to Do” sheet listing nearby parks, eateries, shopping malls, or other local attractions and sightseeing spots. Make sure to leave some copies in the Hospitality Suite.

For our family reunion in Burlington in 1995, I prepared a souvenir booklet. There was also a video made at the banquet. Such treasures enable guests to revisit the occasion through the years. However, since nearly every man, woman, and child now has a cell phone, many people will undoubtedly take their own photos and videos, so it would be unnecessary to incur an additional expense for a photographer or videographer.

If you have programming knowledge (or a relative who does) you can create a Family Reunion Website; your FRW would make information available online to family members in an efficient manner. Depending on the site design, your computer savvy family members can register and make their contribution, get updates on the reunion plans and see a list of who’s coming.  A Facebook page could also serve some of these purposes.

Finally, some hotels will include a welcome on the marquee sign at the entrance to the property for your family reunion. Ask if this free service would be available for your group. It won’t hurt to inquire about signage outside the Banquet Room and Hospitality Suite as well.

Now while you are digesting all of that, sit back and enjoy this video from the Reed & Puryear Family Reunion.

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Funeral Etiquette 101

by on ·General, Lifestyle and Culture, Opinion, The Way I See It

Coffin With Her Arms And Legs WalkingFor as long as I can remember, starting in my childhood, whenever a family friend or relative died my mom would send the family of the deceased a sympathy card. More often than not, it contained money. I never knew exactly how much she included with the card. I suspect it may have been a small amount, maybe 10 or 20 dollars. It might have been more; depending on what our family budget at the time would allow. Nonetheless, I recall that sometimes mom would write a brief message on a thoughtfully selected card and then set it aside without sealing it. When I would ask, “Aren’t you going to mail it?” she would usually say something like, “I can’t seal it yet. I’ve got to put some money in it.”

During my childhood, it was easy for me to understand why someone might include money with a birthday card. It’s a nice gift, especially for a youngster. Over the years, I received some such cards containing a few dollars from my parents, grandmother, a few favorite aunts, and uncles. I even recall occasionally getting a coin slot birthday card with dimes or other coins appropriately placed inside the card. (Are those still being manufactured?) Nevertheless, whenever I learned that someone we knew had died, my young mind went back to wondering why people include money with a sympathy card. And I would naively ask myself, “Is it to make the survivor feel better or the sender?”

When I became an adult, like numerous other benevolent deeds I learned from my mother; I followed the tradition of including money in a sympathy card for close friends and relatives. And although I have discovered that this is an ongoing custom observed by many people; the question of why do it has never left my mind.

As with other lessons learned while growing up, I came to understand that the planning, preparations, and costs for funeral services can be overwhelming; so including money with the sympathy card might help ease the financial burden on the bereaved, especially when there is no life insurance policy. But sometimes the devil’s advocate in me thinks that the practice is sacrilegious. And I realize that it sounds devilish to say what I am about to say (so I genuflect and cross myself before continuing), but — it’s like putting a value on the worth of the deceased.

The intent of some givers might be that their donation could help defray funeral expenses, buy flowers, or purchase food for the repass. I get it. As I said, I almost always include money with a condolence card out of habit, and each time I do it I ask myself the same question:  Why do we do this? This issue of whether it is proper to include money in a sympathy card has weighed on my mind for many years, so I decided to research the subject. What I discovered during my investigation and an unofficial survey, which included questioning some friends, is that as with most things, there are two schools of thought.

While many Protestants, Catholics and members of some other religions do it, the evidence is not conclusive. Opinions differ among people in various ethnic groups and communities.

Some people consider including money with a condolence card inappropriate or downright insulting. Instead, they donate to a charity in memory of the deceased, send flowers or simply send the family a card, sans a check or cash.

In a 1998 column in the Chicago Tribune, Ann Landers, (remember her) wrote that “Money or checks NEVER should be included in a card or letter of sympathy.”

To the contrary, in a 2007 NY Daily News Column, Harriette Cole, former creative director of Ebony magazine, lifestylist, author and branding coach of entertainers, entrepreneurs and business professionals wrote: “I think it’s perfectly fine to do so… If you are discreet.”

The jury is out on this one. As with every other issue, people have their own strong opinions. Some say it is inappropriate to send money. Others see nothing wrong with it. All-in-all, it is a personal decision. Whether or not to include a monetary gift with a sympathy card to help with funeral costs or simply as a kind gesture is up to the giver.

Trends change. People live and die. And life goes on.

 

 

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Activism is Nothing to Laugh About

by on ·Lifestyle and Culture

“A sense of humor helps us to get through the dull times, cope with the difficult times, enjoy the good times and manage the scary times.” Steve Goodier

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Most people enjoy a good laugh. Unfortunately, it gets more difficult every day to maintain a sense of humor when horrific events, like yesterday’s violence in Charlottesville, and regularly occurring acts of evil worldwide, lead us to think that there is nothing to laugh about. Nevertheless, we must laugh whenever it is practical to do so, because without laughter, love, empathy, and the belief that there is a Supreme Being maintaining a balance between good and evil we have nothing but an unending feeling of dread and hopelessness.

I strive to write blog posts that are lighthearted, but following the tragic and senseless death of one the counter-protesters in Charlottesville, I felt compelled to write this post, for people who wonder why activists do what they do.

As a full-time protester-at-heart and a parttime-activist in reality, I feel tremendous empathy for activists. I’ve participated in my share of rallies, protest marches, and other cause-related activities. Unlike my friend, Linda Leaks, whose years of social action and experience give her license to write an encyclopedia on activism, I would do well to put together a small handbook on the subject.

My most recent participation in a cause-related event was the Women’s March on Washington which occurred on January 21, 2017, and drew an estimated 500,000 participants. Of all the events that I’ve participated in the one that required me to conjure up the most courage was when I joined numerous counter-demonstrators protesting a march and rally by a faction of the KKK who traveled from North Carolina to rally in Washington, DC in October 1990. Thanks to the counter-protesters the march never took place. Instead, to keep the two groups apart, mid-route, law enforcement officers loaded the Klansmen onto a bus and drove them to the capitol grounds where their rally took place.

I was first bitten by the protest bug while in high school. One of my two best friends (her first name is also Loretta) and I were circulating a petition asking that students be allowed to wear sneakers to school. Back in those “prehistoric years” of the late 1960s although DC schools had a casual dress code including appropriate footwear, students were not allowed to wear what we called tennis shoes to school. I don’t recall how many student signatures Loretta and I had acquired before a voice came over the PA system ordering the two of us to come to the principal’s office. We were given an order by the assistant principal to cease-and-desist, thereby putting an early end to my initiation into the world of peaceful protest.

In the decades after that, I’ve circulated my share of petitions and taken part in various demonstrations, marches, walks, and rallies. A number of the protests were to end homelessness, including nearly a dozen years of walking in the annual Fannie Mae Hammer homeless walk, and at least one march with homeless activist, the late Mitch Snyder. I also occasionally helped serve meals to the homeless residents of CCNV. I have walked for the cause of Breast Cancer prevention, Autism, Osteoporosis and Justice for Trayvon Martin, and in the 50th Anniversary March on Washington.

I think the fact that I’ve lived all of my life in a city where politics is the center of activity and because I have several lack-minded friends it has played a part in my desire to “do something.”

I applaud the counter-protesters who stepped-up to the plate in Charlottesville, and I pray for those injured and Heather Heyer, the young woman who lost her life.

If you’d like to learn more about why people choose to become activists, check out an excellent article published in Psychology Today titled “What Makes An Activist.”

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Remembering Aunt Sarah

by on ·Family, Holidays, Lifestyle and Culture, Nostalgia

sain-aunt-sarahI’ve always thought it strange that folks write letters to their deceased loved ones, or post birthday and anniversary wishes to them on social websites. Because if we believe in The Word, the Bible says that the dead know nothing. And if that’s the case, then attempting to communicate with those who’ve crossed to the other side is silliness. Or is it?

Sigmund Freud believed, and some contemporary psychiatrists agree that writing is therapeutic – even writing to the dead. When we can share things that have happened in our life, tell our deceased loved ones things that we wish we could say to them, or just tell them how much we miss them it helps us feel better emotionally. Be it a lover, close relative or friend, writing helps us build a spiritual connection with that lost someone.

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